Can Domestic Violence Offenders Really Change?
By Kineret Yardena | PAIP Director
As a social worker leading SafeHaven of Tarrant County’s Battering Intervention Prevention Program (BIPP) – an intervention for domestic violence abusers - this is the question about my work that I am asked the most.
I am asked this at our large, all-staff meetings, where I sit among colleagues who work daily to keep domestic violence victims safe.
I am asked this during conversations with probation officers, jail staff, defense attorneys, and clinicians at local substance and mental health treatment facilities.
I’m even asked this at my grandfather’s funeral while catching up with family members I haven’t seen in a while.
Not to mention, this was the first question I asked when I interviewed to work at this BIPP:
Can domestic violence offenders really change?
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First - let’s start with a conversation about what we mean by “change.”
Do we mean will they go from persistently using tactics of power and control with their partner, perhaps slapping, pushing, sexually abusing, strangling, and threatening, to being consistently peaceful and equitable, even during conflict?
Or do we mean can they learn to stop being physically violent? Or do we expect them to contemplate the effects of their abusive actions?
Or are we asking if it is possible for any kind of behavior change to take place?
In a 2021 evaluation of the 319 clients who attended and completed our 27-week BIPP between 2017-2020, 83 percent were in the final two stages of change - actively engaging in new, non-violent behaviors and learning how to be accountable.
Here’s what clients have said at the conclusion of their time in the program:
If you open up your heart and mind, you can really understand what is being discussed. When I first started, I had a closed mind, but that had a dead end.
It's different than I thought it would be. I thought it was going to be something that I didn't enjoy. But I did end up enjoying the program. Whenever you are forced to do stuff like this, you don't think you're going to take anything away from it, but then I did.
Can domestic violence offenders change? Yes. That’s clear. But they often need a partner, therapist, family member, spiritual leader, friend, judge or law enforcement to mandate that they get help from an accredited BIPP.
From another client:
There is a part where you are able to relate to what other people are saying… The facilitators- you all make it easier for us… To help us see a different way of looking at things.
It was challenging to see the dominant role I was playing in our relationship. To let her have her opinion, it's right for her. To make it right for us. For us to keep on moving forward.
Trying to put my ego aside to be able to share without feeling of being judged.
Truly opening up... at the beginning I was just attending group, but not being vulnerable.
Can domestic violence offenders change? Yes. But they often require a safe container with other offenders, operated by highly trained, non-judgmental facilitators, so they can experience accountability without minimizing, justifying, denying or blaming the violence they have perpetrated against their victim. They need a place to keep returning to share their growth and their relapses, so they can get feedback that is trauma-informed.
From another client:
I still struggle with making sure when I give my opinion it is an opinion and not me acting my will upon her. Making sure that my intentions are pure and learning how to articulate my thoughts without it seeming like demands.
I think it's a feeling of being equal. I think in a partnership that things should be talked about before being done... I think that's what I am trying to learn. How to communicate.
Can domestic violence offenders change? Yes. But relapses are often a big part of even the sincerest behavior change efforts. Lasting, positive change will likely take a lifetime, demanding that we meet each day’s unknowns with a million non-violent responses.
It is true, offenders may continue to cause harm along their journey of trying to change. They may never become fully safe or fully peaceful or fully equitable in the ways that so many of us strive for in our intimate partnerships.
But they may stop strangling their partner. They may stop using them for sex. They may never hold a gun to her head again. They may start to share credit cards. They may stop shaming her. They may stop trying to turn to the children against him. They may stop calling their partner the worst names.
They may become just safe enough for her to leave.